Unforeseen Lyric in Chapel Causes Division (satire)

Written by: Cinna Kuhl

RUDD AUDITORIUM–As we left Chapel this morning, something remained with us. No, it wasn’t the eclectic mix of traditional and contemporary songs. No, it wasn’t the beautifully raw emotion of our own spoken word artists. No, it wasn’t the fact that the worship team eventually led us straight to the divine throne of our Heavenly Father.

What remained with us most was a single lyric, a lyric communicating the epic collision of heaven and earth, one that has created a larger divide in the Christian faith than Calvinism and Arminianism: the sloppy wet kiss.

For a conservative school that prides itself on traditional values, the use of the original, sinful lyric in David Crowder’s “How He Loves” has caused a great divide on campus. Not only is the lyric so far removed from the rest of the song’s poetic brilliance, but it is also highly erotic in nature. Christianity, of all things, has no need for this kind of language. Song of Solomon, regardless of its reputation as an “epic love poem” is an allegorical metaphor for God’s relationship with his church. Any other interpretation of that book is sheer heresy.

The events of today’s Chapel have signaled Bryan College’s rapid spiritual decline, which has only been spurred by our newly adopted perspective of God. He is nothing more than everyone’s cosmic boyfriend.

In typical fashion, today’s Corporate Worship Chapel introduced students to unknown songs in a futile attempt to make us pay attention to the actual words we were singing. Just give us something we know so we can worship like we want, that’s all we ask. Worship is, after all, nothing more than a heightened emotional connection with the Lord. Why not make this connection easier by leading us to the throne with those songs we all know and love?

As the worship team transitioned in and out of these unfamiliar songs, students were surprised at the start of David Crowder’s classic “How He Loves.” Students let out a collective sigh of relief. But, of course, the relief was short lived. The worship team did not begin the song with the first verse, but somewhere in the middle of the chorus.

After a shaky start, the song went further downhill. We finally made our way into the greatest musical bridge of all time, but, to the bewildered shock of students, what appeared on that lyric slide was not the acceptable conservative edit. The appearance of the original lyric was unforeseen by all. When the slide appeared, a nervous energy surged through the auditorium. Surely this was a mistake, surely we were we not about to sing something so unpoetic and something that goes against every community life standard we live by at Bryan. To the ultimate surprise of many, we sang those three little divisive words…

Time can only tell what this means for the college moving forward, but I suppose we’ll be singing a different version of “Lead Me to the Cross” with a lyric about resting limbs this time next month to continue our fall from grace.


We are the Fourth Side: 

It’s no secret that the quality of reporting at The Triangle has been, well, relatively nonexistent for the last couple of years, just like our very own news source, “The Fourth Side.” Our two reporters, Cinna Kuhl and M. Bellisher, two very real people, promise to deliver objective and unbiased news about the most pressing news stories for the students of Bryan College—except, of course, for the completely unimportant topics that usually spread controversy across campus and those affiliated with the college. We don’t take a side on these issues, because we are “The Fourth Side.”