Opposite sex freshman friendship committed to staying “just friends” (Satire)

Written by: Cinna Kuhl
Interview Correspondent: Spy Cee

GRASSY BOWL–Some things never change, and, yes, that includes the inevitability of intimate Freshmen friendships between guys and girls. Because the college must uphold its distinction as a model of conservative Christian piety, freshmen are told during Orientation to avoid classmates of the opposite sex at all times. Nevertheless, the friendships blossom. 

And the friendships grow into weeds– weeds that creep in and manifest their way into every aspect of student life. Murmurs can be heard in hushed voices during Chapel: “How long have they been sitting together?” Students witness the friends sitting daily at the same table in the cafeteria, awkwardly surrounded by their other friends who remain oblivious. And then the worst of all, students debate amongst themselves the exact number of times the two friends walked around the Triangle: “No, it was definitely three! Their fate is as deterministic as a fifty-one-point Calvinist!”

This was no ordinary friendship, and “Fourth Side” interview correspondent Spy Cee was tasked with gaining additional insight into this developing story. “I don’t really get why people are so interested in whether we’re dating or not,” answered the guy. “I mean, sure we hang out every waking moment of the day, but that’s only because we’re super close friends.” When asked for an additional comment, the girl replied, “I was homeschooled.” 

Adorable. Perhaps we’ll experience yet another Ring by Spring in the Bowl next semester.


Who are we? 

We are The Fourth Side:

It’s no secret that the quality of reporting at The Triangle has been, well, relatively nonexistent for the last couple of years, just like our very own news source, “The Fourth Side.” Our two reporters, Cinna Kuhl and M. Bellisher, two very real people, promise to deliver objective and unbiased news about the most pressing news stories for the students of Bryan College—except, of course, for the completely unimportant topics that usually spread controversy across campus and those affiliated with the college. We don’t take a side on these issues, because we are “The Fourth Side.”