By Ashley Coker
With the first few weeks of class finished and Spring quickly approaching, you can feel the days slowly getting longer and the workload steadily growing larger. Oh, and “the question” is being popped left and right.
It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one without a shiny rock on your finger at a school like Bryan. If you’re watching engagement photos pop up and wedding invites roll in solo, you probably don’t want to think too hard about the last big hurdle standing between you and Spring Break: Valentine’s Day.
Midterms have nothing on Valentine’s Day. Whether it’s the influx of sappy Facebook posts, the abnormal amounts of PDA or the love songs playing everywhere you go, Valentine’s Day is the stuff of nightmares for those of us still “unattached.”
Well, single Steves and dumped Debbies, rejoice! This year I’ve created a list of all the things you’ll need to make this your least terrible, most tolerable Valentine’s Day yet!
ONE: This Conversation Heart(less) Tank
Valentine’s Day inspires a lot of emotions in people, and it’s always best to wear your heart on your sleeve. This tank is a great way to express your disapproval without having to actually interact with anyone. As an added bonus, when you wear it in the frigid February temps, the rest of your body is sure to end up just as Frozen as your heart.
TWO: An Ice Dagger Straight to the Myocardium
There’s nothing more inspiring than watching Elsa finally stick it to all the Annas of the world with her genius “you can’t marry a man you just met” monologue. Sure, Anna gets the guy in the end, but Elsa almost turns into a cool ice statue. Allow Disney’s ice queen to teach you to Let it Go and Shake it Off.
THREE: Lyrics of Love Gone Wrong
When all the mushy couples start to get you down, just plug in some T-Swift and remember all the reasons you’re The Lucky One. Tay will remind you how glad you are that Everything Has Changed since your ex ended your Love Story and left you with a Blank Space.
FOUR: A Cat (Or Ten) to Fill the Emptiness
Show your parents how invested you are in your future by getting a jumpstart on your furever family now. Don’t worry about the fine for having an animal in the dorms; just let it accumulate and send the bill to mom and pop at the end of the semester. After all, that $50/day is nothing compared to the dough they’ll save by not having to throw you a wedding!
FIVE: A Date with Fate. And Salmonella Poisoning.
Just when you think you’ve escaped Valentine’s Day unscathed, you will settle down with your favorite take-out menus (everyone knows you don’t cook for one) and realize all your favorite restaurants will be packed with couples having the obligation dinners they left their successful office jobs early for. Don’t panic, though. You can just head to Walmart, make a beeline past the last minute cards and stuffed bears, and book it to the cookie dough aisle. Two tubs should suffice, but I recommend three, just to be safe.
Congratulations! You have made it Out of the Woods! Before you know it, flowers will begin to bloom, your Vitamin D deficiency will improve and, For The First Time in Forever, you will feel your icy heart start to thaw.
Just in time for wedding season.