Satire: Bryan College Animals Will Overthrow Campus

Written by Rob Speed, Head of Satire

Despite the effort staff make to keep Bryan College campus a safe environment, we may not be as safe as it seems. There lurks a constant, unwavering threat which only grows in power. You see this threat every day: squirrels.

No, I’m not crazy. The campus squirrels and many other animals threaten to overthrow this campus and harm us all.

Obviously, I take my journalism very seriously. This information solely comes from reputable sources. Specifically, I sourced it from Crazy Bill. Don’t read into the name; it’s unrelated.

It all started with the squirrels. Years ago, just one squirrel stepped onto campus. It was surprised to find a surplus of trees, nuts and people who didn’t bother it. It invited more and more of its squirrel friends. They found a place to eat prosperously and live unharmed. Today, we have more squirrels than one could count.

It just wasn’t enough, though. After years of watching humans access an entire campus and eat a wide array of food, the squirrels became envious. They also noticed how peaceful humans were to them.

This is where the plan began. The squirrels decided they would team up with other animals to slowly build an overwhelming force of animals who would overthrow Bryan College.

I must remind you: this is serious. Crazy Bill showed me a piece of paper with the squirrels’ plans on it. I mean sure, I guess someone with really messy handwriting could have written it instead, but it looks very squirrellike. 

After hatching this plan, the squirrels invited the skunks, who began wandering campus at night to verify the safety. Sure enough, they found a stable home here, and invited some more of their friends. The occasional armadillo can be found running about too.

The squirrels and skunks soon invited cats, who make an occasional appearance with their dog friend. The dog told the deer of the plan, and now they run amok here. Every time deer walk across the hill or soccer field, they’re plotting out the place to overthrow us.

The revolution is coming any day now. Soon, the squirrels, skunks, deer and friends will begin attacking us through whatever means necessary. They know how weak we’ve become, and they’re going to use brute force to take campus and its resources for their own.

We can’t let them, but what can we do? We can scream.

That’s right. Screaming will save Bryan College from animal mutiny. If you come across an animal, scream at them. This will show that we know what they’re planning, and that we intend to stop them. They’ll be too intimidated to mess with us.

I tried to ask Bryan College staff what they thought about students screaming in the middle of the night. They said things about “quiet hours” and “disturbing the peace” and “please don’t print my name in your deluded article.” I think the squirrels are paying them off.

Don’t be passive to the usurpation of our campus. Together, we can ward off the invasive revolt of small woodland creatures – one scream at a time.

Rob Speed is a junior communications major and the Head of Satire for The Triangle.