Written by Rob Speed, Head of Satire
January’s school-closing snowstorm created such a tremendous shock to students and administration alike, Bryan College has chosen to change from a college to an ice skating rink.
Construction on “Mann’s Lake,” as it is to be called, will begin immediately. This will involve the destruction of every residential dormitory except for Robinson, which will be repurposed as a luxury hotel.
When Rhea County experienced its worst snowstorm in over 30 years, most residents considered the event a danger and an inconvenience. However, marketing specialist Dr. Ahfull I. Dea saw the opportunity for a grand new business venture.
“It’s perfect,” she said. “The whole campus completely freezes over. You can’t do anything but slide and skate… it’s a winter paradise! People will come from all over to experience this.”
Many students and faculty have tried to inquire about their concerns with the idea, including the number of workers who will suddenly be without a career. These ideas have been met with Dr. Dea’s timeless motto, “Just don’t worry about it, man.”
The Triangle (the location, not the incredible magazine worthy of your continued support) will be leveled and sprayed with water to build an icy rink of fun. The sidewalks and roads, however, will be left just the same. They will be regarded as “expert rinks,” where the likelihood of slipping on the ice is significantly high.
Dayton residents have presented a mixed reaction to the idea. Some individuals are dismayed over the prospect of losing the Christ-centric foundation which influenced the city so heavily.
Other residents seem more hopeful. “This is what Dayton’s always been about,” one resident said. “Ice skating and debating evolutionism!”
The team ready to enact this decision seem dismissive of the effects of suddenly shutting down a college. They are developing a new guideline called the “Stinks to Be You” policy, which will be applied to any student who complains about the loss of their degree.
“Fewer people got hurt sledding than they did on the slip ‘n’ slide,” one marketer says. “We only have the student population’s best interest at heart.”
During a press conference, one Triangle reporter asked Dr. Dea what they planned to do in regard to the increasing heat which has already melted the ice. Dr. Dea gave a look of concern before shuffling around her papers. “We didn’t think of that,” she eventually said. “We’ll figure out something, I guess.”
The renovation team has yet to figure out something.
Rob Speed is a junior communications major and the Head of Satire for The Triangle.