The following is an allegory using a 1990s Nickelodeon cartoon titled “Doug.” If you have never watched “Doug,” first of all, crawl out from under your rock and go to the internet. Second, don’t be offended by that statement— just kidding. But seriously, check it out.
Doug Funnie was just a normal kid who moved to Bluffington with his family and his dog. Doug’s fashion sense was unfortunate with his green sweater vest, khaki shorts and sneakers with ankle-high socks, and he wasn’t helped by the fact that he lived in a world of multicolor people and he was plain Crayola peach skinned.
Bluffington was a place with many demographics. There was BB Bluff, a wealthy snob whose family was the namesake of Bluffington. There was Mr. Dink, the affable, clumsy old man next door who constantly invented, reinvented and reinvented and reinvented his contraptions. Skeeter was blue, and he had some strange yellow baseball pants with a red circle on each knee.
Doug wanted what any kid wants: to have a normal life with his blue friend, Skeeter, and his mega-mind dog, Porkchop. But as is often the case, things really didn’t work out for Doug quite like he wanted them to. Either because he was the new kid or he had an enormous round nose, Bluffington’s most notorious preteen bully, Roger, singled him out for endless humiliation and pranking.
Roger was the quintessential bully. He wore a black leather jacket and pointy black boots, and he was green. His nose was sharp, and he had a high, mean voice that made every kid squirm when he called out Doug by only his last name. And he had a devilish purple cat, whom Porkchop despised, and rightfully so.
Poor Doug endured a constant barrage of verbal jabs and physical intimidations from Roger. Frankly, he feared the guy and his dopey cronies. Doug, though, being the introverted pacifist that he was, reverted to his creativity to deal with the emotional stress that Roger’s actions created rather than muscle up and sock the guy in the jaw outside of Honker Burger.
Doug endured it all. He searched a swamp for the legendary, nonexistent nematoad at Roger’s bidding. He was intimated once to go in a haunted house that scared the “sugar cere-o” out of him. He even got caught trying to sell mock-up candy bars to old people because of Roger’s shenanigans.
Roger was a flat jerk to Doug, and everyone who watched the show hated that guy and his purple cat, even though it did turn out to be a female and have kittens eventually. We didn’t care.
The irony is that we are all part Doug and part Roger. Sometimes we put on a conservative green sweater vest in the morning and smile as a reckless soccer mom almost rear-ends our car that only has liability insurance on it. Sometimes we put on our black Italian boots and curb stomp the self-esteem of those around us.
Let’s not be the latter. Long live the morally sound, ever-good guy in all of us. Here’s to you, Doug Funnie.