Kevin McEwen
The question often arises when a guy spends more than the “normal” amount of time with any one girl: “Is there something going on between you two?” Often, the response of “no” is met with disbelief or a knowing wink. Is it socially acceptable or even possible for a guy to have a good female friend? Could this girl be as close as a sister? From personal experience and some detailed research into the psychological and social studies conducted, I would sadly have to say that in today’s culture, and even here at Bryan College, the answer is no.
This should not be the case. The Bible mandates to love as brethren. We, the men of Christ, are called to guard and protect our sisters. This brings friendships to a deeper level if done in the proper context, through the power of Christ and leading of the Lord. Unfortunately, it would seem that our society is determined to prevent this from happening.
In the article, Can Men and Women Be Friends? published in Psychology Today, (a journal dedicated to issues relating to family and relationship difficulties) Psychologist Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., says: “The belief that men and women can’t be friends comes from another era. Now they work together and socialize together. Though it may be tricky, men and women can successfully become close friends and there are good reasons for them to do so. Society singles out romance as the prototypical male-female relationship and cross-sex friendships have either been ignored or trivialized. Sadly, there are so few platonic male-female friendships on display in our culture that we’re at a loss to define these relationships.”
Camille Catterjee, author of Can Men and Women Be Friends? says that “society may not be entirely ready for friendships between men and women with no sexual subtext. […] ‘This is especially true,’ says O’Meara, ‘of older adults, who grew up when men and women were off-limits to each other until marriage.’
A socially acceptable and godly mixed-gender relationship is one in which both parties view and trust each other as brother and sister in Christ. So, what does this brotherly love look like in a cross-sex friendship? I remember verses such as Romans 12:9-10 and John 13:34-35 that commanded us to love as brethren. It is by this love for the family of God that people will know we are the disciples of Christ. We should view each other as physical brothers and sisters. We are each related through the blood of Christ, and we share the most amazing father above.
Differentiating between romantic feelings and deep friendship is difficult, but doable. Often, “concerned friends” use this reasoning to reproach people in mixed-gender relationships. It is good for friends to be concerned about each other for they need accountability; however, many of these “concerned friends” are unknowingly destroying friendships. In my personal life and in those of friends, people have told us that we (those in a cross-sex friendship) spend too much time together. In a college setting, this may mean eating meals together, exercising together, hanging out or studying together. After more than one person came to us, I took the time to observe the relationship and who was voicing concerns. The people who voiced concerns did not take time to become friends with us, thus misunderstanding our brother-sister relationships.
The apostle Paul had good female friends, as mentioned in Romans 16. Shouldn’t we also be able to have good female friends? Clearly Paul worked closely with these women and called them his sisters in the Lord. Did he face the same issues we face today?
First Peter 2:9 says that we are a “royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession.” We are a chosen people, the FAMILY of God. Our trust in each other and our unity in Christ are our biggest strengths in our struggle with the powers of darkness. Therefore, pray for your brothers and sisters in Christ; we all need each other to press on and boldly fight the good fight.