No, I\u2019m not crazy. The campus squirrels and many other animals threaten to overthrow this campus and harm us all.<\/span><\/p>\n Obviously, I take my journalism very seriously. This information solely comes from reputable sources. Specifically, I sourced it from Crazy Bill. Don\u2019t read into the name; it\u2019s unrelated.<\/span><\/p>\n It all started with the squirrels. Years ago, just one squirrel stepped onto campus. It was surprised to find a surplus of trees, nuts and people who didn\u2019t bother it. It invited more and more of its squirrel friends. They found a place to eat prosperously and live unharmed. Today, we have more squirrels than one could count.<\/span><\/p>\n It just wasn\u2019t enough, though. After years of watching humans access an entire campus and eat a wide array of food, the squirrels became envious. They also noticed how peaceful humans were to them.<\/span><\/p>\n This is where the plan began. The squirrels decided they would team up with other animals to slowly build an overwhelming force of animals who would overthrow Bryan College.<\/span><\/p>\n I must remind you: this is serious. Crazy Bill showed me a piece of paper with the squirrels\u2019 plans on it. I mean sure, I <\/span>guess<\/span><\/i> someone with really messy handwriting could have written it instead, but it looks very squirrellike. <\/span><\/p>\n After hatching this plan, the squirrels invited the skunks, who began wandering campus at night to verify the safety. Sure enough, they found a stable home here, and invited some more of their friends. The occasional armadillo can be found running about too.<\/span><\/p>\n The squirrels and skunks soon invited cats, who make an occasional appearance with their dog friend. The dog told the deer of the plan, and now <\/span>they<\/span><\/i> run amok here. Every time deer walk across the hill or soccer field, they\u2019re plotting out the place to overthrow us.<\/span><\/p>\n The revolution is coming any day now. Soon, the squirrels, skunks, deer and friends will begin attacking us through whatever means necessary. They know how weak we\u2019ve become, and they\u2019re going to use brute force to take campus and its resources for their own.<\/span><\/p>\n We can\u2019t let them, but what can we do? We can scream.<\/span><\/p>\n That\u2019s right. Screaming will save Bryan College from animal mutiny. If you come across an animal, scream at them. This will show that we know what they\u2019re planning, and that we intend to stop them. They\u2019ll be too intimidated to mess with us.<\/span><\/p>\n I tried to ask Bryan College staff what they thought about students screaming in the middle of the night. They said things about \u201cquiet hours\u201d and \u201cdisturbing the peace\u201d and \u201cplease don\u2019t print my name in your deluded article.\u201d I think the squirrels are paying them off.<\/span><\/p>\n Don\u2019t be passive to the usurpation of our campus. Together, we can ward off the invasive revolt of small woodland creatures \u2013 one scream at a time.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n Rob Speed is a junior communications major and the Head of Satire for The Triangle.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Written by Rob Speed, Head of Satire Despite the effort staff make to keep Bryan College campus a safe environment, we may not be as safe as it seems. There lurks a constant, unwavering threat which only grows in power. You see this threat every day: squirrels. No, I\u2019m not crazy. The campus squirrels and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":8,"featured_media":17742,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5049,6],"tags":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17738"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/8"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=17738"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17738\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":17791,"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/17738\/revisions\/17791"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/17742"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=17738"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=17738"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bryantriangle.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=17738"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/02\/robbio-1.jpg\")
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