Satire: College Mornings

4 months ago Triangle 0

What are the biggest issues that plague campuses around the nation? Some may suggest ideas like dangerous parking, unreliable internet, premarital hand-holding. But such suggestions ignore the most disastrous aspect of college life – mornings.

There are many forms of greetings around the world. France says “bonjour,” China greets “ni hao,” while college campuses have, “how much sleep did you get last night?” This greeting is often followed by sympathetic concern or firm reprimanding, depending on the speaker.

College students’ generally poor sleep schedules are the morning’s enemy. As time progresses, more and more faces disappear from morning classes and chapel. Many students choose to catch Z’s instead of A’s.

But what can be done about this somnolent scourge? Enforcing a curfew would be as effective as the Prohibition. Hot sausages in the cafeteria have yet to be wholly effective. Even the late penalties various professors enforce in their class do not seem to corral all students. So what can be done?

The solution is here – fire alarms! Fire alarms are consistently proven to be the most effective way to get the student population to rise in the morning. They have unbearably loud screeching noises, legally mandated dorm exiting…what more could you ask for?

Fire alarms remind students of Benjamin Franklin’s classic proverb, “Early to bed, frantically to rise.” Their presence at utterly random times in the morning is an invitation to start a student’s day as early as possible!

Most students believe the alarms are set off for irresponsible student behavior or internal damages in the alarms’ systems that cause them to sporadically malfunction. Dorm fire alarms are actually intentionally activated to ensure you are not late to class. It’s a blessing in disguise of 90 decibels!

The experience benefits everyone involved, including local law enforcement. “I don’t mind it at all,” says a local policeman whose existence was fabricated for this article. “There’s nothing more I love doing than getting up at 3 A.M. to turn off a faulty fire alarm.”

“I think it’s a great system,” said Amanda Davis when I gave her this article and told her to read it. “I also think Rob Speed is the best writer of all time and should be the leader of the Triangle. Why are you making me read this again?”

Remember, the fire alarms are exclusively initiated intentionally, so feel free to indulge in wacky activities such as:

  • Burn microwave popcorn! (Fun experience, funner smell!)
  • Play with matches! (They’re great toys, right?)
  • Damaging your alarm! [NOTE: This is very illegal.]
  • Igniting questionable substances! [NOTE: This is also very illegal.]
  • Leave the shower on the hottest setting all day long! [NOTE: Just please, please don’t do these.]

Above all else, fire alarms are not only a way to ensure punctuality to classes and chapel, but a bonding experience. There’s no better way to make friends on campus than by standing outside in your underwear with a bunch of grumpy, sleepy 20-year-olds. Have fun!

Photo: Amanda Davis