“Children of the Dirt”: a story for lonely hearts

richcoverBy Amy Bailey
Copy Editor

That time of the year has come and gone again. The season of culturally sanctioned mushiness which temporarily bombards our lives with a constant display of roses, chocolates, doilies, sappy verbiage, and anatomically incorrect hearts all for the sake of celebrating love.

For some, mainly those already wounded by Cupid’s arrow, this is a time to revel in their swell of oxytocin (otherwise known as “the love hormone”), respectively inspired by a certain someone. However, for 43% of Americans Valentine’s Day—or perhaps even the entire month of February—is a vitriolic vortex of pinks and reds in which one can only maintain sanity by imbibing the color-corresponding adult grape beverages.

If you identify with the latter, Simon Rich, author of “The Last Girlfriend on Earth,” has a story for you. Rich’s adaptation of a classic Greek myth by the philosopher Aristophanes was recently aired on NPR’s “Invisibilia.”

As Aristophanes would tell it, at the origin of the world there were actually three different genders of people, all of whom had four arms, four legs and two heads. The Children of the Moon were half-male and half-female. The Children of the Sun were wholly male, and the Children of the Earth were fully female.

“Everyone,” Rich says, “spent their days in blissful contentment.”

That is, until Zeus became jealous of their smug pleasure parties and split them all in half.

Rich interjects here that Aristophanes fails to mention a crucial fourth sex, the Children of the Dirt.

Unlike the others, Children of the Dirt only have two arms, two legs and one head. They are also much more cynical than their neighbors, and rather dread having to see their “insufferable” displays of affection. Rich claims that the Children of the Dirt consequently invented wine and art to “dull their pain.”

Zeus took pity on the like-minded Children of the Dirt during his rampage and left them whole.

The other Children, now separated from their halves, spend their days seeking out their one, true partner.

Conversely, the Children of the Dirt, Rich says, “no matter how long they search the earth, [will] never find what they’re looking for because there’s nobody for them, not anybody in the world.”

Now, before you reach for the tissues, consider this: although they lack an other half, the Children of the Dirt nevertheless have a community of similar individuals with whom to confer and fellowship. Plus, they have wine and art.

Admittedly, I myself am a Child of the Moon. And while I deeply enjoy and adore my other half, if I had to be physically attached to him forever, I’m not sure how blissful the relationship would be (and I say that in the most loving way possible, babe). Also, have you ever been in a three-legged race? Moving like that is not an easy feat.

And so, I offer this tale as a morsel of encouragement for all of you Children of the Dirt out there. Delight in community with others! And revel in the awesomeness of your unhindered mobility and unique individuality. After all, you did create wine and art.

And if that isn’t enough to cure your post-Valentine’s Day blues, take heed of that fact that the Greeks are wrong. Rather than multi-limbed mutations, the ultimate Creator made as us as individuals with express relational intent.

There is no need to wander the earth in search for the mystical “one.” You are complete in your singleness, even if you are in a romantic relationship, because God made us as two-armed, two-legged, single-headed children in His image.

So don’t let the forth coming extravagant banquet proposals and “ring-by-springers” frustrate, or nauseate, you. Embrace your inner Child of the Dirt, Imago Dei style.