Delayed Start to Chapel Obvious Fault of Southern Baptist Professor (Satire)

3 months ago Triangle 0
Written by: M. Bellisher and Cinna Kuhl
Sept. 6, 2017—RUDD AUDITORIUM
 
As students settled into their normal seats in Rudd Auditorium this morning, something seemed amiss. Nervous, antsy students of various and acceptable backgrounds and denominations continued to crane their necks backwards in order to see the time on the clock underneath the sound booth, especially members of the Freshmen Class.
It was past 10:00, and Chapel had yet to begin.
 
A wave of anxious yearning swept through the gathered throng. Not a soul present desired to miss a minute of worship. At 10:03 (three minutes of limbo) the service began to the confused faces of the student body.
To lose one hundred and eighty full seconds of valuable time in Chapel struck a chord among students, all of whom wanted to point blame at the individual responsible.
 
What is done in the dark must be brought to the light, and after hours of intense research and cross-referencing, Triangle reporters have discovered that the main perpetrator for such an action is none other than Dr. Scott Jones, a known Southern Baptist and the new Assistant Dean of Discipleship and Christian Formation, whose new duties include overseeing the Chapel Program.
 
“Well, Tyler finished early anyway, so no harm done, right?” Jones said.
 
As we all know how strongly the entire student body feels about the merits of the Chapel Program, this Southern Baptist’s response, which completely disregarded the importance of worship time, only amplified student frustration.
 
“I only get to worship God in chapel. So I want to really live out Romans 12 because that’s the only time we worship. That’s why it’s called worship,” said a student who wanted to remain anonymous. We will, however, identify the student as a Freshman and likely one of the leaders of the new on-campus initiative.
 
At least students were treated to some decent hymn arrangements this morning.
 
 
Editor’s note: This is a satirical piece, and none of the “conclusions” of the piece are true.
 
 
Who is the Fourth Side?
 
It’s no secret that the quality of reporting at The Triangle has been, well, relatively nonexistent for the last couple of years, just like our very own news source, “The Fourth Side.” Our two reporters, Cinna Kuhl and M. Bellisher, two very real people, promise to deliver objective and unbiased news about the most pressing news stories for the students of Bryan College—except, of course, for the completely unimportant topics that usually spread controversy across campus and those affiliated with the college. We don’t take a side on these issues, because we are “The Fourth Side.”