Bryan library to be converted into fourth gym (satire)

1 year ago Triangle 0

Written by: M. Bellisher

Bryan representatives have announced that the Bryan Library will be converted into a fourth campus gym. Effective November 10, the Library will be permanently closed, with the new gym opening in late January.

A representative from the Office of Student Life stated, “We understand that students really aren’t that excited about reading books anymore, so we decided that getting rid of all of them was in the best interests of maintaining school spirit.”

Seniors and Juniors will remember that a similar event occurred  before the 2016-2017 school year, with the beloved lounge on Latimer’s third floor being changed into a third campus gym. “They didn’t even tell us they were doing this” and “Why didn’t they just renovate the old gym?” were oft-used sentences back in those days. 

After tireless correspondence with many members of the student body, we at “The Fourth Side” can confirm that public opinion has swayed in favor of more gyms and physical exertion at the expense of books and intellectual advancement. One student said, “I’m a self-proclaimed nerd and book-lover, but even I am excited about the prospect of an additional two Zumba rooms on campus.”

A correspondent from the psychology department noted the positive effects that the change could have on the psyches of emotionally delicate students: “We’ve seen a dangerous growth in stress and anxiety levels over the past 87 consecutive years as a college,” our anonymous source said, “And while some would point to heavy workloads and the pointlessness of standardized testing, I’ve always believed that this spike is due to a lack of physical exertion. It’s hard to cry yourself to sleep if you’ve already collapsed from exhaustion.”

He continued, “Books are wonderful things, but treadmills are forever. And don’t just take my word for it. I believe it was Karl Marx who said, ‘The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain,’ and when did anything that man say go wrong?” Wise words, indeed.

In unrelated news, the SGA has announced a Christmas bonfire event to take place before Winter Break. When asked by concerned campus environmentalists if any trees would be harmed to provide fuel, they responded, “A new and completely tree-friendly source of fuel has recently been made available. Everything will be done by the book.”

 

Who are we? 

We are The Fourth Side:

It’s no secret that the quality of reporting at The Triangle has been, well, relatively nonexistent for the last couple of years, just like our very own news source, “The Fourth Side.” Our two reporters, Cinna Kuhl and M. Bellisher, two very real people, promise to deliver objective and unbiased news about the most pressing news stories for the students of Bryan College—except, of course, for the completely unimportant topics that usually spread controversy across campus and those affiliated with the college. We don’t take a side on these issues, because we are “The Fourth Side.”