Broken Election Polls Briefly Suspend Identification of Best Christians in Freshmen Class (Satire)

2 months ago Triangle 0

Sept. 8–BRYAN COLLEGE LIBRARY

Written by: Cinna Kuhl

Freshmen SGA Elections opened yesterday after a brutal week of campaigning. Students were treated to several parodies of that golden age Broadway classic “You’ll Be Back” and the masterfully written earworm “Ice Ice Baby.” Our social media feeds were filled with countless memes, videos, and overshared political posts. (The latter was due to the endorsements of current SGA Members, who used their incredible influence in an attempt to handpick their choices, or in the case of some, their close friends.)

Thank you, current SGA body, for making campaigning requirements modern and for blessing us with these incredible pieces of propaganda. It brings to mind the winter months of 2016. When asked to comment on the current political state of Bryan College’s SGA, a student responded, “Whatever happened to traditional campaigning for mock political office?” We here at “The Fourth Side” share your sentiment, fellow student.

Bryan College students cast their votes on an online poll now because keeping track of paper ballots is simply too much work. Plus, a traditional system allows for unethical actions to occur in excess, something nearly impossible when a digital system is used. One would expect that voting fraud is a thing of the past. However, a similar problem occurred only two election cycles ago on this Hill.

(We would rather not discuss the merits of a traditional system in favor of a modern update. Don’t you all remember the voting debacle from two years ago when we tried to elect a new Student Body President in Spring 2016? Twice? But, then again, that’s old news.)

Of course, with modern updates to the election process comes a host of modern problems.

Two candidates have already secured their position thanks to the significant lack of Freshmen students desiring to be leaders. After all, what better way is there for a student to identify himself (or herself) as a true servant leader of Bryan College…or, at least that would be the case for his (or her) résumé.

At exactly 1:11pm yesterday, I, Cinna Kuhl, received a frantic phone call from a Freshmen Class Presidential candidate about the state of the online SGA Election Polls. Apparently, members of the Freshmen class could only cast their vote for one candidate, Ethan Shaw, who has essentially secured his place as a bona-fide servant leader of Bryan College, which as we all know, is the true and only reason to run for office.

Concerned that his spiritual reputation would be considered second-class should the election not turn out in his favor, the Freshman Class Presidential Candidate—who has asked us to remain anonymous—begged me to contact the person responsible for making the poll. He desperately needed to identify himself as clearly the best Christian in his class.

As of 2:45pm yesterday, we at “The Fourth Side” received official confirmation that the polls were functioning again, with results announced today in Chapel——which, after catching word of our brilliant exposé, began promptly at 10:00am.

Who are we? 

We are The Fourth Side:

It’s no secret that the quality of reporting at The Triangle has been, well, relatively nonexistent for the last couple of years, just like our very own news source, “The Fourth Side.” Our two reporters, Cinna Kuhl and M. Bellisher, two very real people, promise to deliver objective and unbiased news about the most pressing news stories for the students of Bryan College—except, of course, for the completely unimportant topics that usually spread controversy across campus and those affiliated with the college. We don’t take a side on these issues, because we are “The Fourth Side.”