If you do not hide out in your parents’ basement for the entire month of December, you have almost certainly been introduced to the infamous ugly sweater contest.
If, by some miracle, you have been spared exposure to this highly disturbing trend, the idea is simple: you try to find a sweater uglier than everyone else’s. What is so fun about spending your money on a hideous sweater that you will (hopefully) only wear on one occasion? What could possibly be enjoyable about slaying the cobwebs in the back of your great-aunt Edith’s closet for two hours just to come away with something that resembles a cross between a tablecloth and the snowman you made out of cotton balls in elementary school? Your guess is as good as mine.
However, we all must pay our dues, and when you inevitably decide to participate in this strange social ritual as a creative form of procrastination, you will likely wonder what makes the best worst sweater.
That’s where I, self-proclaimed ugly Christmas sweater expert, come in.
One surefire way to win an ugly Christmas sweater contest is to treat your torso as if it were a Christmas tree. You can never go wrong with blinking lights and garland. Avoiding liquids is highly recommended. Electrocution may occur.
If you have just gotten your hair to behave and would rather not mess it up by having 2 million volts of electricity shoot through your body, you can always just hang Christmas tree ornaments all over your sweater. Chances are at least one other person will have also taken this route, though, so you will have to be creative. Actually, skip the ornaments altogether. Just pin bacon all over yourself, like the folks at Bacon Freak might suggest.
In the event that you are opposed to wearing pork all night, possibly because it feels too much like a cheap Lady Gaga knock-off, the only advice I have left for you is to go classic.
Anything with a reindeer’s head protruding from it is a plus. Shoulder pads are good, too.
If you feel that your sweater is just not living up to its ugliest potential, take heart, you are sure to beat all of the girls who bought “ugly chic” sweaters from Abercrombie & Fitch. This is code for a sweater that is supposed to trick people into thinking that it came from a thrift shop,when it really cost more than you get paid in a month.
Have yourself a merry Christmas, and do not forget to add a good insurance policy and a Bacon Freak gift card to your wishlist. After all, it is never too early to start preparing for next ugly Christmas sweater season.